I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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