I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
