I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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