got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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