Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
