You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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