What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
