I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
