Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
