I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Randomize
