Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
