Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
