why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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