my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
