the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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