My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
