the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
