The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
