Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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