In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize