He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
