Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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