Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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