I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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