I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
