his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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