me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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