I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
