I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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