I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
