I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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