i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
