yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
