I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
