hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
