They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
