I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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