i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
