It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
