if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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