his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
