If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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