That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
