I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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