I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
