I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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