When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We got so high we made milksteak
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
