i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
