My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
