Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
