Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
