i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
