I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
