I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
