you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
