the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
