Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize