She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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