Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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