Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
