matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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